Hallucinogen halved
by kuro-oni5
Summary: It struck me quite odd that no one really capitalized on the avatar of chaos side of Ranma fanfics. So now I present to you... true chaos.
1. Prelude to insanity

If I owned Ranma, it'd look a little something like this.

Hallucinogen halved

"Soun, bringing Ranma from China. The pink panda cubs are raining again, and we need to get inside before it stains. Hugs and flowerdeath, Genma.

P.S. Be there within the hour (I put this in your mail box)"

Such was the note that a one Soun Tendo received as an attempt to liven up a never changing plot point. And as he was dragged screaming back through the fourth wall he reread the now perfectly sane note and called the standard family meeting, knowing he didn't have much time to explain things before the groom to be arrived.

_-_

The residents of Nerima turned as one, as out of a back alley a young redheaded girl was thrown by what appeared to be a panda shaded collection of Hercules beetles, standing upright with the aid of two hairy legs and a kangaroo, no wait, alligator's tail. As the shambling monstrosity ambled and idled down after his fallen foe, which struck some controversy over what steps should be taken and which plan to enact to relieve themselves of this woe.

"We have to help that little girlchilddog!" screeched random extra one, now donning his tutu like it was some form of battle armor.

"Are you kidding me? Then we'd have to touch that… thing and I bet it's more icky on the inside then the bottom of my shoe." grumbled an elderly drug addict, amazingly unaffected by the sudden panorama of oddity.

"Mmm, best to leave situations like that alone, just like the Kuno girlboy. Now, anyone for icecream?" asked the vendor, scooping huge boxes of ramen into overturned traffic cones.

-_-

^Bing Twang klingon shrink wrap thunk^

Soun wasn't sure if that was his doorbell or not, but it seemed to be near his door, so he decided to look outside just in case. As he approached the hall, Kasumi glided in from the kitchen, as well as Nabiki limping like the walking dead downstairs to check on, and promptly beat to death the cause of the commotion.

The door creaked ajar like the sound of a thousand rats humming, shinning light onto a twenty foot tall pigmy bull elephant, again panda flavoured, and a little redheaded girl in a full four piece suit.

^Gribble^ mouthed the elephant, motioned his flowery tusks toward the girl as he finished his tapdance routine.

"What I'm sure he meant to say is we need all of your eggs, for while you can't catch your chickens till they've hatched, if they lay more than two what you can count on is a hardy breakfast. Which is more than I've had for fewer days than I can count. Also, he reminds me that I may be Ranma Saowhatsits, and that I'm sorry for any delays.

Heart broken that Saotome's son was a daughter, he motioned Kasumi to help their guest, noting dimly she'd slipped into his wife's old wedding gown, "Tell me, when will your father figureight arrive? We apparently have much to convey amongst our brethren."

"He's nearly ready; I just have to boil these ravenous little blighters." Motioning to the half hatched eggs in the light, "But if rest is assured you can assuredly rest your feet, no need to watch the useable when TV is blaring round the corner."

Soun nodded, but as he turned around to go, Ranma splashed everyone with the eggwater, including Akane who hadn't woken up yet, and reality snapped like a rubber band stretched too far, then was melted down, reformed, and asked to do its best this time around. The end result was the entire Tendo family was standing in their yard, facing a teenage boy in his top hat and coattails, and what appeared to be his old friend Genma wrestling with a now fully grown rooster and hen.

"I believe a round of introductions is in order m'lud?" whispered the lad.

_=+-_

There you have it, let me know what you think from this smallish prologue and I'll decide whether I want to continue past a few more chapters. This idea literally came to me in a dream, and I decided I couldn't let it die without a fair shot. There is a plot forthcoming; this is merely a sampling for you all to see if you like the style.

P.S. I know I've abandoned my other stories, but I really didn't like many of them anyway, I'm sorry to those who did though, it was rude of me to cut you off just so I could ignore the pain of writing bad stories.


	2. Expletive exposition

While I admit running from lawyers and other, greasier, members of the community is quite silly, it's definitely better than being caught. Disclaimers are the legal golden apples that distract them long enough to let me win the race. I own none of these characters, except for the possibility of a recurring pigmy bull elephant.

Hallucinogen nine and a third, less about 7

As everyone steamed, quite literally, in the yard, Soun began to draw some conclusions about the scene he was presented with. A: Genma and a young boy wearing what Ranma, the girl, had been wearing were in front of him B: the hot water caused this, and got rid of the bull elephant that had been, during Ranma's last speech, carefully siphoning his koi out of the pond and letting them fly off to the tree, under which they now lay and C: He was canceling his happy pill prescription, and writing a letter stating that Prozac's side effects are grossly understated.

After the chickens' victory cluck over their defeat of his once mighty friend, he registered the soft, oft repeated whisper of what Soun was hoping to be Genma's son.

"Indeed we can introduce ourselves son, I am Soun Tendo, and these are my daughters Kasumi" the bedressed eldest gave a deep curtsy, "Nabiki" there was a distinct lack of response, but they moved on anyway, "and Akane" this time the retribution was immediate as the youngest, still in her pink flannel pajamas with duckies on the front, leapt into a flying kick, only to get her foot stuck in a bouquet of wild flowers, from which started streaming a parade of field mice decked out in all the different shades of green from acidic to puke. This led to a stamping fit and the boy who held the daisies to look at the oddly.

Composing himself he continued in his whispering tones, "Very well then, I am Ranma** SAOTOME" **as he hurled his surname from his mouth a small crack appeared at his feet, and chartreuse lightning leapt from the rent in the earth to caress their tree, prompting a shower of cherry blossoms and orange peels from the sky, "master of the artichoke." he withdrew an avocado from his hat, "And this is Genma, my father and faithful traveling salesman." A spotlight sped down amongst the fruit leavings on a wire, briefly illuminating the snoring Genma before breaking in two and leaving a pile of cooked hamburger on his chest, which he dove into ravenously.

Soun blinkblinked, not the last time he would do so, at this odd behavior, "Ah, well then I see. But, if I might inquire, what happened to the young maiden who splashed us with the water?"

"We'd best retreat inside for such a dubious long explanation sir, as I'm sure you have not the resources to rebuild such a fine wall as that on your own." The Saotome boy soliloquized briefly, indicating the retaining wall built round the property and aiding his father's clumsy attempts at achieving two limbed motion in one wave of his rigid left arm. Upon Genma grasping for it as an anchor of stability, all usefulness fled as it flowed like water through his grip, changing into a fine red wine oddly enough. Ranma didn't seem perturbed by this sudden abundance of armlessness, merely striding across the koi pond into the house as great rumbling booms shook the aforementioned wall-in-danger.

Followed by a shell shocked, and in one case infuriated, Tendo family; Ranma settled into the floor with great gusto. His now reformed left arm, on step eleven of the standardized AA program if you simply must know, was sprouting prepotted bonsai trees from its knuckles and flicking them expertly onto vacant shelf space to spruce the place up. He seemed to notice an accelerated acclimation of certain well mentioned family members and quickly put a dampener on his coniferous gift of verses and world of curses to help normalize his near future retelling of events unknown to his, unbeknownst to him, possible future bride and associates.

"Firstly I'd like to apologize for not stopping this madness sooner, but it helps spread my message and attract the attention of possible future supporters, if that helps put things in ways that are easy to understand." After a brief pause he allowed for questions, which it being four AM everyone, especially Nabiki who was in a comfortable standing sleep and may have actually put it to use otherwise, was a little too unhinged to take, he continued, "I am Ranma Saotome, the Avatar of Chaos, perpetrator of all that cannot be quantified so on and so forth. My job is to gain support for the gods of chaos by showing people just how interesting it can be to have a few, or a multitude as I prefer, of chaotic events sprinkled through their daily lives, and how boring things would be without the occasional unexplained mystery/catastrophic calamity over the course of every few years. To this effect I've been given powers over random chance and anything unexpected which, by their very nature, don't work nearly so well as they should. Alongside this I follow my father's" at this he indicated his arisen familial cohort, who had finally arranged some pact with the elder gods that enabled him to stand while still blind drunk, "dream of becoming a world class martial artist." Again a pregnant pause to allow for questioning, and this time it gave birth to a bevy of wonderful queries.

"Ah son, that doesn't explain where the girl went, and I suppose your father didn't spoil the secret of our little arrangement did he?"

"Would you like some more tea Ranma-san? I'm afraid it's gotten quite cold since your lightning froze the stove top."

"Why the hell do we have guests in at four am and no coffee on the burner?" Nabiki grumbled managing to prove that even asleep she can listen in to conversations.

"So it's you that keeps blowing up the girls skirts at school. Only a coincidence my foot." Akane's wrath was held at bay by a reappearance of the wild flowers, between which a hundred beady eyes peered out at her.

"I fear some misconceptions have arisen about what I do, I was chosen by the chaos gods to be their representative, commonly known by the moniker avatar, to recruit more followers. Since chaos gets a bad name in most religious circles, this proves very hard to do without examples of chaos's utility, so I have certain powers to provide those examples. I can grant miracles like the Christ, the avatar of the catholic god, except since mine are random they are generally less specific than those of any other gods." At this he produced a vase of milk and transformed it into a tube sock of limeade, "If I were to ask to feed a thousand, I might get a metric ton of hot dogs, or two hundred and fifty six foot long subs, whereas a more traditional god would simply multiply one dish a thousand times. The most important point I have to emphasize is that chaos gods tend to demand less of their followers, and even though they are among the most whimsical of all powerful beings, they stick to this rule out of necessity more than anything. To gain and keep large numbers of devoted followers after being branded evil they must lower expectations overall. At most they ask for you to notice flaws in human behavior, and encourage them quietly to propagate their power."

"Now, if you'll excuse me, the overflow of normalcy seems to have unhinged us from space time, and being phased out as we are will put everyone well ahead of schedule. To put it another way, we're now arriving next tuesday, and as we reenter the quantum atmosphere, I can't really suggest any body contortions, but as fair warning I will say this might hurt a bit." And with that and a rather rude bending of Genma's ankle, the Tendo Dojo crashed into it's foundation with the force of a thousand rainbow powered spiral patterned aerial events, slaying the mischievous witch of the north-northeast.

"Now," as everyone's molecules cooled from their rapid accumulation of cohesion, he spoke over his now two day old tea, "what was this about an agreement?"

Author's warrant:

Wow, we're less than an hour into the first scene and already it's taken me 2k+ words. My verbosity, while amusing serves me poorly here. I swear I have time to write now, this one just came to me and while it's rather dialogue centric, it had to be done in order to lend forbearance to the plots unfolding. As I post this I'm making a fresh pot of coffee and hitting some nice music up on the media player and writing part three, in which things will actually happen.


	3. The Arbitrary Fight

I own no back worn clothes, and any characters in here cannot be mine as such, because if they were then I would steal their shirts. Especially Ranma's. Scene breaks courtesy of Norton Juster, who's work no other man could lay claim to.

Hallucinogen the third, Esquire

In which something actually happens, possibly.

"So one of these girls is to be my fiancée, and I get to chose, and of course this is an honor bound agreement that is meant to improve the martial arts of both schools, so it's impossible to refute? Seems alright to me." Ranma sat calmly sipping at his tea, reading from yesterday's, although respectively tomorrow's, newspaper, gleaning the knowledge from the local interest column Pseudo-Soun had set up with his authority as a local councilor.

"Err yes, but son, where did the redheaded lass go, have you made your decision, who wrote that newspaper article, why is it Tuesday, did I miss Monday's council meeting…"

"Please tell me I didn't miss my test, I had two days worth of bets to arrange and calculus to study for that I can't afford to miss…"

"Hey two days away from Kuno-baka sempai is good either way, maybe you aren't so useless after all, still a pervert though."

"How am I ever going to clean witch from under our Dojo, all the other houses must be peeking in and laughing at us, oh and all the dirt kicked up from those rainbows will play havoc with the curtains…"

"Yes you were there for your meetings, tests, and bets, we merely separated mentally, our physical selves went through all the motions we did, although if something chaotically unique happened I cannot say whether they handled it as well as we would. Since you planned to announce the marriage before we got here, your physical self placed the ad Soun. Without your emotions, Nabiki, you almost certainly got every question right as long as you knew the answers beforehand. Akane, the next time you see this Kuno fellow, you'll be assaulted with memories of what happened the last two days, so unfortunately phasing does prove to be rather worthless for forgetting the future. Try water on the witch stains, melts them right away it does, and don't worry about the windows. As for the girl… that could take awhile." Ranma finished with a rather soft sigh.

"It all began on the final leg of our martial artist's journey." chimed in Genma, "Ranma's job as an Avatar tends to lead us to some unsavory characters, and this was no exception, this time we stumbled upon the resting grounds of China's ancient voodoo god of swamps and retribution, where he had set up a soul collecting series of springs to help business while he took a quick few millennia catnap. So naturally as we tried to skirt around the edges, some cult worshipping fanatic woke him up in an ancient ritual involving two tones of egg water and a half pint of Easter egg paint. This resulted in an almighty explosion, equivalent to the aforementioned god rolling over and scratching his arse. This released all his captive souls, and the pools he drowned them in, soaking us and imbuing us with some rather odd curses. Ranma here was cursed with the spring of drowned girl, and since retribution magic is polar opposite to chaos, being very narrowly focused in its applications, it has played havoc with his already limited ability" here Ranma attempted to stab his father with a limp umbrella, and surprisingly to all tore his gi and put a scratch along his side as Genma swayed out of the way, "to control them, although he's made headway in both his forms since we pushed off for home. Also, since we both invariably change at the same time we're not quite sure what my change is, but it certainly has something to do with pandas or zebras, as the colouring is similar." Finally taking a breath, Genma promptly passed out, his exposition no longer sustaining him.

"So when is school?" everyone turned to Ranma in simultaneous calamity.

"You wish to head to the halls of higher learning my son?"

"But of course, all those impressionable young minds, fettered with petty greed and wonderment for the unknown. Were I but to spread a few miracles they would nought but eat from my hands, as it were." Ranma rubbed his hands together with vigor, and left upstairs, plotting all through the night.

-What does the day do when it wakes? It breaks!

Day broke over Nerima like a plateful of bacon after a long fall, rousing even the most dead asleep, including Rip van Winkle who was trying to beat his previous forty year cat nap, with thoughts of breakfast.

Ranma was the first downstairs, and began warping his powers immediately, as he had done sporadically throughout their trip back in an attempt to let them get back to peak efficiency. He cleared his head and began to think, an easy starting point for this exercise in opposites. He had to let his mind relax, it did no good to force chaos, as that landed him in unpredictable results, he instead completely erased all want for power, all need to grasp the swirling miasma that was locked behind his mind and let the power do as it would choose. In this state any postulation he put forward could be set upon and used as basis for a world event, he was connected to the entire world's worth of things not yet controlled, the thrill of it rushed through him and just as quickly, his longing cut him off from the exercise, his gods given ability unwilling to bend to commands.

Just then a plate broke over his head, and looking up, he was handed a school bag and nodded in understanding. He may not be able to regain full control, but chaos still bent to his whims, and whims were almost all he had.

-And what does a baby do when it's hungry? It cries!

Following the Tendos twin, Ranma soon became unjustifiably bored with his rather awkward one handed leaps across the fence tops and started walking next to them as a change of pace.

"I know you're both curious about something, one of my duties to them is to sense and satisfy curiosity when I can, so questions ahoy if you'd please, it will pass the time."

Akane, surprisingly, spoke first, startling Nabiki who was in the middle of furiously compiling a list of apropos unanswereds.

"Does your father have any powers like yours?" she asked more shyly than she'd like to admit.

"Why yes, although he doesn't like to talk about it. He is a muse, the embodiment of a concept, and in this case a rather specific one. It is best wrapped up in the trite phrase, 'Those who can't do, Teach' he could tutor you in any subject, but only if he has no idea of how to do it himself." Ranma paused, pondering, "It accounts for my rather flowery speech, as when he started teaching me to speak he could already convey thought through words, and only taught me how to more eloquently verbalize my ideas. Also, while I know hundreds of martial styles, the Saotome school escapes me."

"Ah, well then, what can these powers of yours do? Why do you need people to join your cult? How bad is your control when you are cursed? What's the square root of pie?" Nabiki stopped at that one, looking down, and surely enough the ink on that line was too smudged to read. She looked up at the now infuriatningly smirking Ranma with a glower. In the background, Akane was openly defying the author by sticking to cannon and chanting,

"Ihateboys, I Hate BOYS!"

"My powers are those of the trickster gods, and only they truly understand them. They work through me, so whatever they decide is what they will do. If I have an idea that can prove amusing to them, it will be brought to life. Mostly they act on whim, but they're powers are truly only limited by what you see as chaotic, as long as I can surprise and amaze those around me I have power. Pranks and such are the prime examples, and very amusing to my benefactors, though not as much as those they play on each other and other gods. I hear Odin still hasn't gotten his eye back. My control cursed is shot to ruin, because in that form my thoughts are erratic, and all of my thoughts are made real because of the overlay of the curses magic on my own. Also… it depends on the size of the pie?" Ranma once again unveiled his, literally trademarked, smirk.

He then noticed Akane's rather disturbing mantra, and as she ran forward he paused and cast his otherworldly senses outwards. Snarling slightly, he reined in his anger just as the sidewalk started bubbling violently.

He spoke but one word, so quiet as to be unintelligible, and then stalked forward like a man possessed. Nabiki took note of this, before calculating the odds and rushing to her minions to set up some bets on the unknown contender.

As Akane finished her routine pummeling of the amorous males of the school, she turned to face the tree she knew Kuno would be behind. Suddenly, the sun was blocked from her view and a shadow flit across her face as our hero leapt from the perimeter wall and intercepted a thrown rose.

"I knew things here were too good to be true, and not a day into my visit I run across a paladin of Zeus." Ranma's eyes were cloaked in shadow, his Chinese shirt remained but he had acquired a stiff top hat somewhere in mid leap. Kuno took a regal step from his agricultural coverage and stared down this new threat to his supremacy.

"And who are you to address me such? Ah but is it not the custom to give ones own name first? I am-"

"You are nothing but the sniveling minion of a perverse god, and your name matters not. I am Ranma Saotome, an avatar of all things alterable, and I would challenge you for these grounds." To his left spawned a miasma of tinkling glass shards which he grasped like a whip, to his right, a hairless wolf of ever changing hues, which quickly blended into the environment and left nothing visible but a disturbing maw full of dripping, inch long fangs.

Kuno proved brave in the face of this assault, and said simply, "What sorcery is this? No matter, have at ye!" lightning struck in the background as he moved to strike with splitting force at the already moving whip, which flowed around his blow and tore a vicious gash in the hard wood where the hilt met blade. Revealed underneath was a pulsing liquid metal, which quickly filled the gap, and then leapt outwards from both the tip of his boken and the revealing wound, missing Ranma on both accounts but slicing through a tree and cutting the wall in half in one strike.

"Blessed quicksilver? Is this all the king of the gods can bring to bear for one of his servants? Has he really stretched himself so thin?" Ranma's mocking laugh was echoed by the wolf, and as Kuno whirled to strike his invisible opponent, Ranma tore through his guard with an axe kick that sent him sprawling to the earth. As he lay prone, Ranma broke his struggling sword in twain, and a strange glow spread from him to the edges of Furinkan's fields.

"An example has been made, a warning to all those who would follow corrupt entities. You have been forewarned." And with that, he strolled calmly through the front doors.

-If money doesn't grow on trees, something must, so why not words?

So there you have it, not my best, and I'm sure there's SOMEthing wrong with it, but I can't get this concept out of my head, and it seems every time I run out of things to do I keep coming back to it. Yes Ranma will fight other avatars, taking us all on a whirlwind tour of mythologies, if you have any suggestion's for specfic gods that apply to each Ranma combatant, feel free to suggest them, though be forewarned, all the Kuno's are taken already. On a side note, making this concept into a series might ruin it, but I feel good about where it is going so far, so if it gets more normal than the first chapter overtime, that's alright by me, and if you don't like it, please stop reading, there are much better fics to complain about, and I'm not getting paid for this.


	4. Welcome to the Carnival

This chapter in part inspired by the Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, mostly because I share a few undesirable qualities with the main character, ie. poverty. So sue to your hearts content m'lud, all I have is ideas, and they cause me enough trouble to begin with.

Hallucinogen fourth fifths sugar and a pinch of seasalt, baked lightly...

-I believe we are making a scene-

"Welcome welcome one and all, enter please these hallowed halls. Learn arithmetic and ABC's and synonyms for STD's. Step right up and stay a breeze. My name is Ranma if you please, and these my friends, oh these are BEES!" and with a sweep of his bowler, a thousand thousand bees leapt forth from the ground under the prone Kuno, forcing him high into the air, only for them to be met by a swarm of giant hornets and promptly devoured, leaving the young man to fall swiftly to the ground. Where he struck the earth began to ripple, and he rose up once more, tied to the seat of a lavander dunk tank, first shot free, of course.

Everyone gasped as the grass from all over the field leapt from it's earth and began weaving a mighty tent in the midst of the running field, it's shadow cast over them in all its pin striped glory. All around sprouted booths and mini-rides, freak shows and horror-houses, a wonderful meddley of phantasmic glory. And after a long blink, the student body began, all as one, to chatter.

"Is that cotton candy?"

"Hey, let's dunk a Kuno!"

"Does that lady have a beard?"

"Dude, it's a freaking carnival!" this said by a rather concussed paramour d'Akane.

And as one, the school forgot itself, schoolwise, and began to rove the grounds in search of fun.

Dreading her profit margins, Nabik spoke, "Er, Ranma? What the hell is all this?" She turned only to find his place conspicously empty, having left only a massive calling card leaning against a tree stump. On it was a stylized pie, steam lines wafting into the ether and smelling faintly of snakeberries, ctirus, and freshly ground cinnamon. In the fine print (ridiculously small and out of the way, as advertised) it read "My dear, it's whatever you want it to be."

With that Nabiki stomped of in a huff, and Akane. adrenaline filled from the fight and somewhat emasculated by Ranma's firm trouncing and humiliation of the heir apparent of house Kuno, followed closely behind her, confident she could smash this unknown element at his own game, after all, he'd only beaten Kuno, how tough could he be?

Thunder crashed in the distance gaily, and lightning began warming the popcorn for the show.

-I see the sea any man can see but can the sea this man can see can that sea see me too?-

Akane pulled aside one of her friends just as they were about to take a throw for a giant stuffed tentacle monster, "Sayuri, have you seen Ranma anywhere? I was suppose to show that jerk to class."

Sayuri stomped as she turned, "Darn it Akane. you made me miss! Hmph, well what was it you were asking? Ranma? you mean that guy in the funny hat and suit? I thought I saw him head to the Big tent. Now here!" Sayuri stuffed a big squishy ball into Akane's waiting hands, "Give it a try!"

"Sayuri, I don't have time for this, I need to get that jerk to set everything back to normal." Akane stamped off, hurling the ball over her shoulder a hitting a stuffed pig square between the eyes, knocking it from it's perch. The apparently resting carney twitched slightly, then moved his slumped ballcap up enough to reveal his glinting fierce eyes.

^Hupitwoo^ "So little missie, care to give it another round?" He leaned in slightly as his low tones made Sayuri nearly jump from her skin.

"Ummmmm... well I don't have any money, but I'd sure like to try." She bit her lip, looking ever the part a poor little lost lamb.

His barking laugh had her blanching once more, "We don't deal in cash'n'such here, as I'm sure you're friend will figure out soon, all I require is a bit of faith, a bit of time would do in a pinch." his teeth clenched tightly in anticipation, he withdrew his hand from under the desk, and with a flourish so quick it blurred the edge of your vision just to see it, three more balls appeared across the table, these much more solid looking.

"Neat!" and with that childlike affirmation, she reached for a ball before, quick as a wink, he grasped her round the wrist and kept her back.

"Before you go doing that though, let me give you a bit o' history, see these balls each represent a favor owed to me by an old friend who never paid up, and because of that here I am working carney rides like some addled buffoon, now I saw the little guy you're aiming for, and judging by how close you were before your friend there went messin ya up, I'd say he really wants to go home with ya, so heck it may not even come to this, but safeties first right? So anyhow, the way I see it, I'm doing you a favor here, and I'm willing to wager that you wouldn't mind doing me a like turn if you reach the end of ball three and haven't got what you came looking for. So what'll it be, we got ourselves a deal?" Here he smiled, slowly, and even in the shade of the booth you could feel that smile... welcoming and sinister, daring and confident, powerful, hopeful, the smile of shivers and songs, spines and hearts.

Sayuri, gulped, and just as quick his hand was gone from hers, cap tipped over his eyes and chair kicked back, with not a trace of his previous demanor in sight. She hesitated, and shook her head quickly, her face arranging into a firm mask of determination, "Deal." she breathed.

He Smiled.

-Corruption makes fools of saints, and rich men of sinners. But never does it make honesty, and that marks it apart of everything else.-

While this was going on, Nabiki had made her way to the fun house, having seen a few too many western horrors and asumed that Ranma, the villian of course, would be awaiting a confrontation there.

Shoving aside a few lingering about the entrance with her glare, with quickly ducked under the caution tape that barred the entrance, and the shadows consumed her.

With a flash, she was standing in the midst of three spotlights, in the grand ring of the Big Top, a crowd filling the bleachers and all of them, absolutely everyone, staring, staring down at her, mocking her with their gazes as if to say they cared not what ephemerial power she had once had over them, it was gone, and she was at their mercy.

"Lady's and gentlemen! May I have your attentention please! Feel free to stare at this marvelous rare, yes please if you'll direct your harshest of glares to this! Presenting our finest of freaks this evening, more slimy than the creeping underthing, more fearsome than a brood of manticore. Indeed her gaze is unique in being more potent and piercing than a basilisk's! Yes my fine fellows and most vaporous of ladies, you should done your goggles if you wish to resist her. This is our one of a kind specimen, and the worst of it is, up until this very moment, she has walked among us!" gasps abounded in the crowd, still shadowed and indistinct, but all now clearly wearing matched thick shaded goggles, as if mearly meeting her eyes unprotected would turn the lot of them to stone. Suddenly a fourth light shone out near horizantally to illuminate Ranma, wearing those same overlarge shades and standing forty feet in the air on the highwire. Holding a mic to his lips, he continued, sweeping his other arm towards her dramaticly, "Not only is she a mistress of disguise unmatched, but her tastes run into the more... civilized fare. Rather than slake her baser lusts on the raw bloody meat of a carcass, she dines upon only the finest of things..." the entire crowd leaned in as one, the abruptness of the movement causing her to jump slightly, "Money." the word hissed from between his teeth like the foulest curse, and before her was lowered an enormous domed platter, the covering lifted to reveal huge piles of yen ringed by a low wall of gold buillion. Nabiki fairly drooled at the sight, but stood her ground, knowing that her debasing had not yet begun, and to spring his trap would be infinitely worse than to just see where things went.

"Indeed, such cunning she shows to not fall for the bait, even now she waits for the oppurtunity, for us to turn our backs so she may strike true and devour it all in one fell swoop. Then she shall fly back to her nest, and use the majority to feed her family, and build their nesthome. And with that, the illusion vanished, leaving her standing blinking away the sudden darkness in a hall of mirrors.

Cursing softly, she quickly left the way she came, shaking her head at her foolishness. She had labled this Ranma an unknown at best, and an enemy at worst, then callously disregarded his promise that this... carnival was what she expected it to be. 'Well Ranma if you're extending an olive branch then it's an odd way to do it. Then again, everything about this is odd.'

-Smelling of sourgrass, a snake knows how to blend in, but tramping and stamping about like a herd of buffalo, man never delights in anything so much as standing out.-

Akane had spent near hours, it seemed, trying to make her way to the Big Top as the sun trekked its way slowly across the sky. It seemed every time the entrance was in sight she'd be bowled over by a crowd or asked to dance by a bucktoothed classmate, but no matter what happened, when she next looked she would invariably be a world apart from where she left herself, and have to reorient and make her way closer once more.

"Aha, I freaking see you you filthy pig!" and on the other hand...

The fealing she was being followed crept up on her slowly at first, lacking any definite proof in terms of visual stimulation. But as the day wore on she began to see a trend in all the stalls she passed, and with dread, she realized that they, or rather it, was everywhere.

A little plush piglet doll, black, with yellow spots.

"Damnit, why won't you just leave me alone! I have to find that jerk and get him to undo all this nonsense!" Akane flew off in a fright, taking not five steps before she bumped her feet against something. Something soft and fluffy... 'Don't look down, don't look down it's not there, don't look down. SHIT it's there isn't it.'

Curling into the foetal position, Akane wept silently for her image as people around her began to snicker and stare.

"Fine, here." picking up the pig, "I'll carry you around if it's so important. Just don't expect me to like it." she could swear the damn thing was smirking at her.

"My good friends and neighbores!" Ranma's voice swept acrost the fields, as he stood perched on the flagpole, "It saddens me to say that the festivities must come to an end. I am glad to have entertained you all, and I must remind you that I also do weddings, childrens parties, and, of course, funerals. If any of you would like me to lend my... unique stylings to your _engagements_ merely drop me a line at the Tendo Dojo. Now as the sun sets on the most glorious of homecomings, let my bid you adieu!" and as all eyes were on him, he lifted his cap from his head and took a sweeping bow, plummeting haphazardly off the pole and slipping silently into the earth, making no more than a ripple. The russian judge gave him a six.

-I'm telling you, beady little eyes and a head, unnatural huge it was, like he walked here from hell itself to ask for a glass of water.-

"Akane, please, whatever you are thinking of just don't do it, he's dangerous okay? I don't want to see you hurt where I can't make money off it."

"Nabiki, I'm fine, lets just go home and eat a nice relaxing meal." 'Maybe a bit of pervert stew!'

"Tadaimasu, we're home everybody, and what a day we've had."

They entered the living room swiftly, only for Nabiki to stop dead at what she saw, causing Akane to trip up and slam into her.

"Uff, watch where you're standing Nabs... oh."

Sitting before them was Kasumi, obviously delighted at the show as Ranma juggled six ethereal spheres while standing on the ceiling. Performing an agile flip, he tossed the balls into the air and turn to the sisters Tendo calmly as the morphed into stacks of paper and dropped unerringly into the file folder behind him.

"I got six new contracts today, isn't that nice?" he said, before collapsing unconcious to the floor.


	5. All fair whenever I say so

An eye for an eye and the one eye'd man is king. But four lips for a kiss and nobody shall sing.

Preeeeeeeeeesenting the glorious splendour of Halucinogen the fifth! Grand High Emporer of Excatly Nothing!

"Look at these Akane, they've got everything here, Sayuri's shoe size, Gosunkugi's nasal hair to scalp dermus ratio, Even Daisuke's chances of having an ulcer before he turns forty three! What does he need as this junk information for anyway, and what the hell is this contract nonsense about?" Nabiki was practically tearing out her hair by the roots this fine freckled morning, as her only viable question subject had been passed out for going on twelve hours now, and only three hours ago had the effects of his spurious rampage of undiluted chaos started to fade away. This included all the grapfuite flavoured (and no one wanted to know how Soun had figured that out) bonsai trees, much to Kasumi's sorrow.

Nabiki furiously chugged her coffee, each eye winking at a different pulse frequency as her rage and heart stopping levels of caffeine kept her awake. She slammed down her mug and whipped her arm around behind without looking, grasping the pot and yanking it forcibly from the already bruised and whimpering percolator. In a foolish move they head tried splashing Ranma with water, over Genma's howled protests they did it and proved that Ranma's "Talents" could in fact go haywire even while he slept and indeed would get worse as he dreamt of things no sane man would covet, such as sky bowling, which worked as well as imagined. The craters caused as the massive balls shot into and through the V shaped flocks of migrating birds was almost as terrible as the screaming terror that follow the raining chunks of impromptu pins.

Eventually after all their attempts at boiling water failed, Kasumi had thrown a glass into the fridge, now a raging box of hellfire that somehow everyone had missed, and all was well.

"Hey Kasumi, did Ranma tell you anything about those contracts he mentioned before we got back?" Akane asked calmly, pouring milkslush over here oreos.

"Oh yes, there part of his job as an avatar, they're now bound to spread the word of chaos, and if do a good job, they get into bizzarro heaven.

*THUD* Nabiki's head hit the table as she physically reprimanded herself for not thinking of the obvious solution to the woes that had her up all night.

"Wait, so like their church followers or something now?"

"Oh yes, although Ranma prefers to call them cultists, he was very adamant about that. He even spent most of the time before you two got back trying to trick, convince and cajole me into joining. He almost had me convinced when he said I could be wife number 7, but chaos is just so... disorderly." Kasumi nodded to herself, dusting the churchmice vapidly as they leaned into the attention.

** Now Nabiki had to try her best to erase all images of her sister being in a cult harem. No way she'd let her nieces and nephews be cult babies.

*BANGBANGBANG* bad thoughts, nasty thoughts, thoughts like that made her try to pressure carve a relief of Donald Trump into the table.

Kasumi slid a bowl under her face on the next upswing, "Breakfast time!" and went off to do laundry possibly, oblivious to her sisters agony.

*Whumph* Without skipping a beat she slammed her forehead into the bowl, cracking it slightly and causing the rice around the edges to erupt in a geyser of grain. grabbing her mug and the pot both, she drained the last dregs of her syrupy black sustenance into the bowl on her next breath of air, then slammed back down and began to eat.

'Mmmm pickles.' she hypothesized.

- I feel rather out of sorts, let's reorganize before the machines decide to override and undersize our wiseguys.-

As the Tendo sisters (the family, not the band) vacated to the comforting confines of mandatory education (Kasumi, as mentioned, was probably washing things) Ranma rose from the grave as could be compared a vampire, a zombie, someone suffering from mild tetrodotoxin poisoning, or even Edmund Dantes. Sadly, his grave was under a table, and therefore was not quite as dignified as being tossed off a cliff in a burlap sack. Why they barely even bothered to bury him, although Akane, god bless her toes, had done her best to crush him into the ground, via bootheel of course.

With such thoughts skipping merilly through his head, he brushed aside the leftover bowl, and gazed upon the image beneath.

"Hmm, Rumsfeld, but I'll be damned if it isn't a good likeness." and with that and a frown, he vanished.

-Well I'm going down that gravel road, gonna take the right hand road.-

A truly mysterious figure stood atop the cresting hill, sun blazing behind him and hiding his features from the view of all the zero people that gazed on his mighty splendour. He snarled vaguely as his eyes swept the rolling hills, deep rivers, and majestic forests. It was peace like this that made him sick.

"This time Ranma, there will be no stopping me. When I find you, Mjiolnir will strike true!" thunder rolled in his distance as he held aloft his mighty umbrella.

*Wham!*

And was immediately trample under a herd of stampeding bison pulling a toothless old man in a rickshaw.

"Get a job you crazy ...!"

"Damn you Ranma! I'll get you, and you little gods too! Aahhaahahahaahaaha!" he cackled madly.

-Down at the ranch-

"Here's your dressing Ranma." Kasumi handed him demurely and stepped back as he open the screaming bottle of tormented souls that was No Name brand Ranch dressing.

"Ah, much better."

-Hidey ho cant hide, but humpty dumpty can hump.-

There we go, the obligatory filler chapter with vaguely ominous cutscene to unveil the new badguy who is quite obviously just an old Ranma rival with new powers to make up for Ranma's new powers. Wooh deep breath. All done now, more whenever the crow flies, but only to me.H


End file.
